Two Girls, a Fellowship, and whole lota Zombies
by Mercies Angel
Summary: Spin-off of my 1st fic, Two Girls & a Fellowship. The Fellowship gets split up and is stuck in Resident Evil-Land and try to survive... Basically LotR with lots of zombies. Co-written by N@talia.
1. We Sure As Hell Ain't In Middle Earth, T...

_Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, GameCube, Nintendo, Capcom, nor Lord of the Rings, so there! Nyah! *sticks out tongue*_

_Author's note: This is a spin off from my first fic "Two Girls and a Fellowship". You should read it at least the first couple chapters to get a good view of it. I'm really sorry, but I just don't feel like posting up each one of the earlier chapters. Unless you guys _want_ me to post up all the chapters up to this point so you wouldn't have to read my first story, but it'd be the same thing, really, but I don't know. I serve to please. Now I sound like a waitress. . . _

_Co-Author's Note: Hello, I am n@talia. For your information I am not Russian, I am in fact Asian-American. I just like the name. Right now I feel like crap, cuz I went to sleep at 12:00 am and woke up at 5:00 am so that I could play the Two Towers on my PS2. I purposefully fail some missions when I play so that I can see all the little movies with Legolas in them, even the scenes where he dies ;_; so sad. Actually, I usually wake up at five so that I could do one of the following:  
1. Play the Two Towers  
2. Watch all scenes with Legolas in LOTR  
3. Watch all the scenes with Orlando in Black Hawk Down. Oh, my, God. Josh, Ewan and Orlando all on the screen, AT THE SAME TIME! Yup, life doesn't get any better. Unless you see them all in real life.   
This would all be great if I didn't have to go to class at 7:30. Damn…even after high school you still have to learn if you wanna get a good job. Okay, I'm done now. _

_Mercies Angel: Well, that was hardly worth half a page. . . _

_N@talia: Shut up._

_Author's note: I'm portrayed through Jen, if you didn't know, and N@talia is represented by Liz. Oh, and a major **WARNING!!** Severe anti-characterism. That's why it is a parody. _

_Anyways, In the beginning. . . _

**Jen's POV**  
  
Damn that Sam. Won't he ever shut up? First he was jabbering about his dirt, now he wouldn't shut up about the Elves. I've dropped about twelve hints so far, each suggesting silence. "You know what Sam? Silence is golden. How about getting rich?" I growled through clenched teeth. "You know what? I heard Elves are rich," he said with a distant look covering his face. 'Damn it…' I thought, trying to find another way to shut him up. Well, I didn't have to. A cry from the other boat did. I glanced over, and saw the frightful face of Legolas. He had his bow out, though I could not see anything to shoot.  
  
Aragorn suddenly began rowing backwards. "What's going on?!" I cried. The boat was being pulled towards something. When we got close enough, I saw the object of alarm. There were whirlpools; three of them. Cold fear took washed over me, and my mind raced to think of something to do. "It is the work of Saruman!" Boromir shouted. This wasn't in the books. This wasn't in the movie. This wasn't supposed to happen. As the boats drew closer, they shattered into splinters. Suddenly, water washed over me and I was pulled underneath the water. I opened my eyes to determine up from down, and my heart nearly stopped. Purple lightning was illuminating the entire area, originating from the whirlpools. This had to be some sort of queer dream; just like everything else.  
  
I grabbed the nearest thing possible in a panic: the dwarf. "Float, Dwarf, FLOAT!!" I yelled. "I know you wish to be near me, my love, but this is not the time," he sputtered. "Gah! No way!!!" I screeched, tossing him aside, which just so happened to be near a whirlpool. He yelled loudly and vanished. I could hear Liz screaming, too, and saw that she pulling at Legolas' hair in a frenzy with the poor archer yelling in pain and panic. They vanished into the same whirlpool as the dwarf. I looked around in alarm, looking for a way out. I could see Boromir swamped with Frodo, Merry, and Pippin who were all trying not to drown. Somehow, he managed to stay afloat, but couldn't steer free of the far whirlpool nearest to the shore. I could hear only the muffled screams of the hobbits before they, too, vanished into the swirl of water and lightning. 

I was pulled back down into the water, and I looked down to see the culprit. It was Sam, desperately trying to reach the surface. I tried pulling him up, but he and I only got a whiff of oxygen before going into another whirlpool; and I could only briefly see Aragorn's stunned face (poor guy was in shock) being pulled with us. Pain swept through my body and I wished nothing more to scream, but couldn't find the air to do it. My world then went into a numbing black.   


  
**Liz's POV**  
  
-_WHOMP_- I landing hard the ground, sputtering water. My mind swam from both lack of oxygen and the fall. I managed to lift my front part of me up on shaking arms, still spitting up water. I crawled to my feet and looked around. I could see that I was in the middle of a dark forest and I thought I could still be in Middle-Earth. "By the Valar," I heard someone whisper. I looked over and saw Legolas rise from his back; one had supporting himself behind him and the other rubbing the back of his neck. I moved towards him and he nearly reached for his knives before seeing who I was. "Oh," he said numbly, "it is you."  
  
I frowned, "Yes, it's me. Where are we?" He opened his mouth to answer, but was cut short by a rustling of the bushes behind us. He grabbed his bow that lay a few feet away and notched an arrow, calling out, "Who is there?!" I instinctively moved my hands to my belt, where my knives were, but only grasped only leather and panicked. My darlings were gone and an enemy was to fall on us. Legolas nearly released his arrow before the culprit finally emerged. "Gimli!" Legolas cried. The dwarf stumbled out, waterlogged and scratched up by the brush he had been crawling through. He stopped at the sight of us, leaned against his ax and heaved a breathe. "Where are you, Babies?" I called. They answered me in their soft, wistful tones. "Don't worry, Mama's coming for you!" I answered to their calls. I finally found my daggers underneath a tree's root behind me. I kissed the hilts and cuddled the daggers, glad to have my tiny tools of destruction back. 

Legolas suddenly turned his head, listening intently. Another one of the bushes started to move and Legolas notched yet another arrow, though not as taunt. It stopped and I wondered what it was that was in the brush. "Jen? Aragorn? Hobbit? Somebody?!" I called, hoping to get an answer. Nothing came. "Look out!" I heard before a figure suddenly jumped out of the bushes. An arrow pierced it in mid-jump, causing the attacker to whine in pain and fall a few feet short. Five more of the creatures come out, too many to shoot. One jumped on me and I cried out, but quickly slashed it away with my knife. Another came just as the first was thrown aside, and I hadn't the time to prepare. It bit into my arm painfully, causing me to yell in pain. A boot kicked it away and a hand curled around my other arm. "Quickly!" Legolas shouted, yanking at my arm. I scrambled up and was soon half-led, half-dragged through the dark, creepy forest. 

I was surprised how fast the elf was, for I could hardly stay on my own feet even with them going as fast as they could. Gimli really _was_ being dragged, for his stumpy legs couldn't keep up with Legolas' long, fast, sexy legs. I looked back and saw dogs; blood and saliva frothing from their mouths and their skin almost gone. No. . .way. . . One jumped at me, but Legolas practically threw me out of the way. 

"Over there!" Legolas shouted. I could only see a dim, distant outline. Legolas ducked under a large, low branch of a tree, which I barely had time to dodge. The large, oak doors of the mansion came into view and I would have breathed a sigh of relief had I any breath to start with. Legolas let go of his grip on me and threw open a door. He grabbed my arm again and threw himself, Gimli, and me into the large building. Jumping up, he slammed the heavy doors closed just as the dogs reached it. Thumps of the dogs hitting the door rained into the room. "Is everyone alright?" he asked, not even breathless. 

Trying to get up, I cried out as the weight on my arm sent flashes of pain into my shoulder. He noticed this and reached over. I would have screamed in joy, but I decided to wait until he was done playing doctor. He pulled my sleeve up and moved his slender hands over the wound. "The skin isn't broken, it will just bruise rather badly. You are lucky to have had this on," he informed, throwing aside the chewed up, leather armband I was wearing. After he turned away, I squealed from rapture, but no one paid any attention to me. 

"I have never seen a place like this," he whispered to himself, gazing out the window near the door. "I have," I noted. He turned to me, in a sexy kind of way only he can. Sounding somewhat like a person hosting a documentary, I continued, "We're in a videogame. Not any game, but one of my favorites! Resident Evil. And, judging by the door at the top of those steps, the GameCube version at that." He shook his head, obviously fed up with my stories. "We are! This is a game about evil pharmaceutical companies making bio-hazardous weapons and stuff! I suggest we now go find some guns, green herbs and a room with a typewriter. GUNS! MUAHAHAHA! I'M SO HAPPY!!! . . ." I laughed, wringing my hands wickedly. 

I never thought I'd ever say that again since Jen and I got sucked up into Lord of the Rings. Gimli looked at me as though I had said that cows were actually evil space monkeys from the planet Trimlis. "You are full of nonsense," Legolas reasoned, looking about. "Guh-uhns?!" the dwarf asked, standing up. "Yes! They are only the best thing man could ever create! Not even the internet comes close!!" I said, tears welling in my eyes from just the thought of the beautiful metallic tools of destruction that I would soon hold in my hands. "Een-ter-net?" Gimli inquired. 

"If you know this place, how do we get out?" Legolas questioned, notching another arrow into his bow. "Well, we have to wait for a helicopter, but I'm not sure it will come considering we aren't Chris or Jill. . ." I trailed off. Now this was a predicament: Cerberus {zombie dogs} outside and no way to get out without getting seriously mailed. By the time someone comes and gets us, we'd have run out of ammo to shoot stuff! Hmm. . .

A moan suddenly came from the left. 'Mental note: Zombie number one.' I still had my knives in my hands and twirled them playfully; this had to be fun. Legolas pulled his arrow back, aiming it at the door. "Come on! It's not gonna come after us!" I said, pulling Legolas towards the door. "If it is not going to come after us, why go after it?" he questioned. "'Cause it's fun, silly-head." 

I left him and opened the doors, running down the length of the dining room. I opened the other door and ran to the left. I heard the nearest zombie behind me, but I ignored it with a simple, "Hold on for a sec. ya freak" I turned the corner and saw the main zombie munching on the body of a still live person who was quivering in shock. "Hey, bud! You've tasted flesh, how 'bout a taste of steel?!" I threatened, twirling my knives for effect. I'd like a copy of that tape. 

The zombie turned with blood and tissue dripping from its mouth and jaw, its skin white and peeling. Rising, it turned to me. "That's right. Nice, fresh meat. You like that, don't you?" I taunted. The zombie finally got close enough for it to lunge. I countered with a thrust of my knives; one into it's jaw, the other into its heart. These things were so slow it was almost funny! It barely felt the wounds, so I continued stabbing it until it collapsed to the floor. 

"Elizabeth!" a cry called, interrupting my prodding. "What? Oh! Hiya, Leggy! Want to join in the fun?" His incredulous look was priceless. "_FUN?!_ You are more perturbed than I first thought! Get up from the gory floor and come on!" he said. "I hate to say this, Leggy, but: 'Told ya so!'" 

"Told me _what_?" he asked. "The zombies, the rooms, the guns that are in the rooms. How do you think I know all this? Could it be that I'm right?" Gimli suddenly stumbled into the room, his ax bloodied. "Oh no!" I cried, getting up and shoving past everyone. There, on the floor dripping blood, was the very first zombie I found at the right of the door. "Wake up! I need to stab!" I cried, poking the body with a blade. "Come on before I grow impatient," Legolas yelled, tugging at my arm. I wrenched back, continuing the jabbing. "Very well, Gimli and I will leave. Come on, Gimli," he informed. 

The choices: Poking a rotting body, or following my one and only love and protecting his wonderful goodness from harm. Toughy. I slit the throat of the zombie and hurried over to Legolas, grabbing his arm. He sighed, knowing he had to face his fears and show his true emotions sometime, and continued with Gimli trotting behind. "This is the best. First we need to get the shotgun. Hmm…and maybe a Beretta for the sake of it. I would personally like a .357 Magnum, but I don't see any sign of Barry. Oh well, a Colt Python's nice too. Wait. . . If we're here, then where's the Resident Evil crew?" 

**Meanwhile, in Middle-Earth**

"Um. . .Chris, what are we doing in the middle of a river?" 

"I don't know, Jill. Last thing I remember is. . .hey! Wesker's the traitor!! Stop him!" Chris yells, pointing to the retreating Wesker. "No! Wait! You don't understand! Barry's the traitor, I swear!" he screams, running away, though is cut short when he runs into a bunch of orcs. "What the hell kind of zombies are these?" he asks, poking the chest of one with his gun. The orc snarls and grabs the gun. It tries to find out how to use it, but blows off its head in the process. The other orcs are outraged and charge after Wesker. "SSHIIIIIIIIIIITT!!!!" the captain screams as they run after him down the shore. 

**Jen's POV **

"Ow. . .damn it," I whispered, fighting off rising pain. I turned onto my side and realized that I was laying on asphalt. I sat up and looked around, shocked. It was dark, but there were signs, streetlights that were mostly off other than a flickering one that was occasionally found down the street, and even some parked cars. This was my world. "M-m-my DIRT!!!" a voice called beside me. I turned and saw Sam, holding mud in his hands. He began crying at the loss of his beloved Galadriel brand dirt and flopped down on his side. "M-my d-dirt!" he sniffled. A footstep on rocks behind me caused me to start and turn sharply. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw only Aragorn surveying his surroundings. "By Elbereth, what is this place?" he asked himself. "It-it looks like a place from my world!" I dared to say, scared to jinx anything. "Your world?" 

"This looks like the place I used to live, but more run-down," I explained, taking in a closer look. Some windows were shattered and most everything was broken. The few buildings without their windows broken were boarded up. 'Where _ is_ everyone?' I asked myself. No traffic, to people, and-and what the hell is that smell? A sign reading "Emmy's Diner" flickered and finally blowout in a flurry of sparks. I ducked, and ordered Sam and Aragorn to do so as well, though Sam's hair began to smoke. It suddenly blew into flame, causing the hobbit to run around screaming, and I had a fine time slapping it out, felling avenged for the constant chatter of dirt and elves on the boats. 

He sighed and muttered he was starving as if it were a habit when nervous. "Well, do you have any food?" I asked, grabbing my sword that lay a feet feet from my and reattaching it to my belt. The hobbit shook his head, "I think I lost it in the river."

"And I as well," Aragorn consented. "I don't have mine, either." We all sat there, thinking of how to find some food. I looked back over to the diner that sat several yards down the street. Dare I go into a bordered, dirty diner where the FDA most likely gave an "F" for the rating? Considering there was no other indication of a building with even a scrap of food in it, I might as well risk it. 

Aragorn was kind enough to slice open the door after I had been bashing Sam against it for about five minutes. "Hello? Is any body in here?" I called. Nothing. Something clanged in a back room, and Aragorn, Sam, and I exchanged uneasy glances. I unsheathed my sword and followed the cautious Aragorn. He burst down a door with a kick and gasped, followed by my gasp that sounded more like a gag and Sam's sickened squeal. 

A strange, fetid form sound hunched over a body lying on the dirty, roach encrusted floor. The body belonged to a young woman, half of it chewed and shredded with the entire head completely gone with only pieces of hair and a few facial bits to prove it was there in the first place. Nausea flew over me and I now knew where the putrid smell was originating. I cried out in fright as the fat, bald figure stood and showed its disgusting, hideous, distorted face with bloodied teeth and jaw. 'The monster had been eating the body!' the realization hit into me like a ton of bricks. I screamed so loudly, I though even my own ears would pop. I grabbed Aragorn's back and Sam's hair impulsively and ran out the door we came in. 

Zombies suddenly flooded from everywhere and grabbed for us. I screamed again and ran back into "Joe's Diner", their moans filling the restaurant. Aragorn pushed the rather uncoordinated zombie over the table and dragged everyone out the back door. Zombies shuffled through the end of the alley and were practically falling over to us. I was about to scream when Aragorn clamped a hand over my mouth, shoved me aside and chopped off the heads of three zombies, clearing a way. "Quickly!" he called, slicing at another rotted humanoid. 

I ran after the warrior and dragged the hobbit behind me. Aragorn continued to slash at the moaning monsters while I searched for some sort of weapon or a ways of escape. I then spotted salvation: A car parked at the side of the road. Sure, it was a long shot, but it was worth a try. I wasn't surprised when the door was locked and had to bash open the window with my sword. I flicked the lock of the car up and shoved Sam in. The hobbit was wide eyed, staring blankly at nothing. I mostly ignored him and pried open the bottom of the steering wheel with the blade of my sword, then greeted with an intricate system of wires. "Oh, God," I whispered, trying desperately to remember what to do and growing angrier and more fearful when I couldn't. 

'Was it blue to red? Or yellow to green. . . Wait. . .I think it was blue wire to green.' I connected the two colored wires and yelled as a surge of electricity burst up my arms and into my chest. I lay on floor of the car, head pounding, trying to get some air into my lungs when something grabbed my leg and pulled me out of the car. I shrieked and reached for my sword, but was too short. "Sam!! Give me the sword!" I yelled. The hobbit finally reacted to something and shoved the hilt to my hand. I slashed at the head that was about to take a bite out of my leg and at the legs of a person who I hoped wasn't Aragorn. The body of a zombie fell on top of me and tried to gnaw on my neck. I expected the teeth to sink into me, but they didn't. 

I looked over and saw that Sam had impaled the head on the end of his sword. I shoved the bleeding creature off me and grabbed two random wires. 'Please work . . .' The car engine started and I let out a small sigh of joy. "It lives!!" I yelled. I was so happy; I could almost feel tears brimming my eyes. Sam was panicking, yelling "monster" repeatedly. He was squirming so much I though his seat would disintegrate. I climbed into the driver's seat and slammed the door closed. Zombies tried to reach through the broken window, but I quickly shifted gears to reverse and stepped on the pedal, running over a few. 

I heard a cry from behind and I hoped I hadn't run over Aragorn. I looked into the cracked rear-view mirror and saw Aragorn running away from the car. Spinning the car around, I screamed at him to "Get in the damned car!" He turned and saw that Sam and I were in the car. His eyes opened wide and he turned to charge forward. I drove up even farther and ordered Sam to stop rambling and open the door. He had some trouble, and time wasn't exactly on our side, so I reached over and did it for him. My elbow hit the glove compartment, causing it to pop open. My eyes fell upon a handgun lying inside. How convenient. I grabbed it and found it was full of ammo, but remembered I couldn't shot even my own head if I _tried_. 

A loud crunch suddenly brought my eyes up to the hood. Aragorn had just sliced off the right corner of the car. "You idiot! Stop that! Just get inside!!" I yelled. He looked at me as if I were crazy. "Hurry! Stop chopping the car and get in!!" I screamed, pointing to the open door near Sam. He reluctantly inched towards it, never lowering his sword. "Come on!" I screamed. He jumped in. "Close it!" I yelled. When did I suddenly turn into a drill sergeant? "Sam, close the door," I ordered. I turned to him and saw that he had the gun in his mouth, trying to chew it. "Gah! Don't do that! You'll have your brains everywhere if it goes off!!" I could only barely hear an "It wasn't very tasty, anyway" before he closed it and I hit the pedal to the metal, hearing the tires screech against the pavement. 

The blood drained from Sam and Aragorn's faces as I sped through the streets. I gladly ran over a few unsuspecting zombies wandering about in the streets. The windshield was beginning to crack from all the blows it was getting and I was starting to swerve. Suddenly, a zombie moaned from behind me and flashed into view of the rear-view mirror. I screamed and started shooting everywhere. I turned in my seat and tried shooting at the zombie, missing horribly. I didn't even see the tree I hit. The car crashed to a halt, metal crushing and glass shattering. I screamed, covering my head with my hands. 

The car stopped and I realized I was covered in pebbled glass, laying between the airbag and the driver's door. I blinked and tried to move, shifting around to get out. I was glad nothing was broken to my knowledge, but I was pinned by the airbag. I lifted my gun and shot a hole in it, watching the white puff deflate. When Sam and Aragorn weren't in the seat, I thought they had been thrown out of the car. When I saw that there was no sign of them outside, I looked down and saw that Sam and Aragorn sat huddled underneath the glove compartment, looking at the bullet-hole-riddled window where they had just been. "Um . . .oopsies?" I said apologetically. Unfortunately, the glove compartment was moved to block their way out. I cut at it with my sword, but then resorted to cutting out the chair, allowing them access to an exit.

I started as a moan came from the backseat. The zombie rose, reaching towards Sam who was closest. Aragorn snatched Sam's collar and yanked him backwards, bringing his foot up to met with the zombies face. I tried to open the door, but it was stuck and I had to resort to kicking it. After about seven kicks, it finally opened, while Aragorn kicked his door down that wasn't even stuck down in three kicks. I was about to go through the newly opened exit when the zombie grabbed my arm. I screamed and punched the freak's face so hard it hurt my hand. I was surprised by my impulsive action, but quickly ran out the doorway and after Aragorn and Sam who were taking the liberty of running off without me. I took a quick look back at the car and could see smoke and sparks coming out from the trashed front. "Well, that rules out driving."

I was trying to catch up with the madly running Middle-Earthlings, but they were too fast and too far away. I shoot the gun up in the air from my impatience, causing Aragorn and Sam to slow down. The warrior cut down any zombie that strayed too near, though I was beginning to get tired of running. I stopped, reading a sign called "Happy Mini-Mart" before a small, two-story, dirt encrusted building. "Come on!" I yelled, cutting down the wood and running into the building. I stopped, allowing my eyes to adjust to the dusty darkness of the room. Sam bumped into me and I finally saw my surroundings. "Here, take as many of these as you can carry!" I ordered to both Sam and Aragorn, lading their arms with candy bars, bags of chips, and a few dented cans of Spam. 

"What is this stuff?" Sam asked, confused. "The necessities," I replied, breaking down the bordered area and running up the stairs. I held my gun out, inspecting everything. The hallway had one door at the end. I opened it and looked around, keeping my gun ready at all times. In the far corner, near the window, was a corpse sitting in a chair, holding a shotgun and looking out the window with candy wrappers surrounding it. "That's very encouraging," I said, pushing the rotting body aside. It suddenly came to life and reached for me. Screaming, I threw myself away. It rose and stumbled to me, tripping over my feet. I moved out of the way and stood up, but fell as the zombie grabbed my legs. It tried to bite me through the thick leather of my boot, but I quickly slashed the head apart with my sword.

Aragorn ran into the room and saw that most everything was all right. I cut off the head of the dead (if that's what it could be called) zombie, remembering at least one thing from Liz's constant game playing of a game called Satanic Residence, or something like that. The zombies were certainly a dead give-a-way. I wasn't going to let the damned zombie turn into a crimson head, a little perk known to zombies Liz explained to me through manic laughing at the zombies' exploded head. Aragorn burst open each door but the one leading to the hallway and surveyed each room; at last satisfied that everything was safe. Sam poked uneasily at the body of the zombie, but finally tried eating the candy bars that he and Aragorn hauled up the stairs. 

"No, you idiot, you have to take off the wrappers first. But we need to rationalize it, okay?" I told Sam, showing him how to take off the wrappers of the candy bars. "This is the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted! Even better than _lembas!!_ I must have more!" he gasped after a mouthful, then making his way to the door. Two zombies suddenly burst open the door and staggered in. I jolted up from the floor and shot at one, missing badly. Aragorn finally slashed down both of them and shoved them out the door. 

"Hand me that chair," he ordered. I complied and watched as he built a barricade for the door. A chair, a chest, and the dresser hid the door from sight and I doubted that any zombies could make their way into the room. "Okay, here's the situation. I suspect we got sucked up into a popular videogame from my time. After being sucked into the Lord of the Rings, I'm not too surprised. I am, however, terrified. Zombies infest the area, and we'll probably die from either starvation, T-Virus, that's the stuff that makes people zombies, infestation, or from zombies eating us to death," I explained in a less than calm voice. "We have about a one in eight hundred million chance that someone will save us. That isn't good." 

"Um. . .one question. What's a 'zom-bee'?" Sam spoke up. "The things that have chased us since we came here!!" I yelled. "And they want to eat us? Why would they want to eat us? I do not think I would be really tasty," he replied. "Don't know, don't care. All I care about is surviving," I said, looking out of a slit of dusty window that wasn't bordered. Chomping noises and crackling of cellophane diverted my attention. I looked behind me and there was Sam, sitting on the bed and eating two Snickers bars and a Reese's cup at the same time. All about him lay wrappers. "No!! You're eating our food!" 

"Is that not what food is for? To be eaten?" he reasoned. "Not when it's all we have with zombies trying to get us!!" I yelled. A flush came from the bathroom followed by serious clanking. I ran in and shouted, "Aragorn, stop stabbing the toilet!!" 

"Toy-let?" he asked. "Yes, it's a _toilet_. You crap and piss in it. It's like a hole in the ground that flushes so it doesn't smell," I explained through gritted teeth. More crackling of plastic wrappers came from the bedroom. "Sam, you'd better not be eating the food!" I said, turning back to the bedroom. "I wasn't, I swear!" he mumbled, chocolate all over his face. I only hope that the zombies kill us soon. 

**Boromir's POV **

"Damn it!!!" I screamed. Revolting humans were scattered, shambling towards us. "Pippin!" Merry screamed from beside me. A zombie had grabbed the young hobbit and was hanging him from his shoulders. Frodo chopped at the zombie's feet, grabbed Pippin, and ran after us. "We have to hide!" I yelled, motioning to a door. I bashed down the door with my foot and threw the hobbits in, slicing at a few disgusting creatures with my sword. I didn't wait for the dust to settle or my eyes to adjust to the new darkness and grabbed as many hands as I could find, dragging everyone down a flight of stairs. 

It was some sort of wine cellar, and the air was damp without hardly any hope of light. I closed the doors and bound them with a broom through the handles. I felt my way around and sat down on the floor. I managed to find my flint and lit a chair on fire as a light source. Hobbit shrieks suddenly filled the air and I turned to see what was wrong. A zombie stood next to them, unsure what to do with so many screeching hobbits surrounding it. I must have led it in along with the hobbits. Frodo was the first to respond. He lunged and tackled the ghastly being with every last ounce of force. He stabbed at it with Sting, and Merry soon joined the attack followed by Pippin. They continued stabbing it even after I was sure it was dead. 

They moved around the fire, breathless from their short battle with the beast. Each of the hobbits then grabbed a bottle of wine and started drinking. They soon fell asleep in a corner after many a drink and tiny snores echoed the room. I looked about for any kind of wood I could feed to the fire. I chopped up a small shelf after placing the hobbit's breakfast (more wine) safely on the ground. The fire grew slightly, and I found myself drifting dangerously close to sleep. Movement suddenly came from the front of the cellar. I begged the Valar that it was only the fire's flickering shadows playing tricks on me. 

The body the hobbits battled earlier suddenly rose, though it was different from before. It's head was a fresh blood red and claws protruded from its hands. It rushed to me and I yelled, waking the hobbits and grabbing my sword, preparing for the worst. 

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_I don't know how popular this is going to be, but it was worth a try. My buddy, and coauthor, n@talia, came up with this idea, so blame her! Muahahahaha! Yeah. __ Well, tell me what you think! _


	2. KungFu Kicks and Magic

_Disclaimer: (as written by n@talia.) Do I own LOTR? No. Do I own RE? No. Did I wish I did? Yes. All incidents, characters, and locations are purely fictional, and any resemblance to an actual incident, character, and location is purely coincidental. Except for Liz and Jen of course. Those two were based on actual people, the two actual people being Mercies Angel and I. *sigh* I wish that I did own LOTR and/or RE though. If I did, I would buy a huge mansion in Beverly Hills, a penthouse in New York, a vacation home in Hawaii, a Lamborghini, a Ferrari, a Porsche Boxster, two terriers, a private yacht, and a private jet. I would sit on a recliner in the backyard of my vacation home drinking down a bottle of Martinelli's (since alcohol tastes like piss) in elegantly cut crystal glasses with Mercies, talking about stuff while watching the sun set on the ocean and petting my dogs. I would also buy the cast of LOTR and the staff of Capcom's rights as humans and make them my slaves. While the Capcom staff hurries to finish a new Resident Evil for me, Elijah Wood and Sean Astin (who are now my pageboys) would be fanning me with huge fans made with peacock feathers.   
_

_Author's note: Hullo again, everyone! I think this is the fastest I ever updated, but I already had this chapter handy. Hope it's not too awkward, or inaccurate, though. . . _

**Liz's POV**

"I was like, 'High-ya!' with a kung-fu chop to the neck and the zombie's all like 'Mooooooaaan' and I was like, 'Take this: High-yaaaaa!' and the zombie was like 'Oooooooooo' I was like 'Kung-Fu Kick of Paralysis' right in the back of the head! Boo-ya!" I told while acting out the scenes of the past several minutes. I had decided it best to first secure a "Save Room," should anything happen. I used Gimli's ax to chop down the door leading to the L-shaped hallway. I expected for the dogs to try and crash through, like in the videogame, though nothing happened, which was, amazingly, creepier than if the doggies really _had_ cracked the window. 

I managed to receive the daggers and handgun magazines, but I still had to find the friggin' _handgun!_ Legolas seemed rather jumpy, though I believed he sensed the nasty little zombies behind the door at the end of the hallway. The zombies were even bloodier in real life, though I was still wondering if what we were experiencing _was_ real; not even the Fellowship was real, but who's to say that my _own_ life is real! Though I suppose that then wasn't the time to contemplate, for two hideous zombies were rushing. . .er. . .staggering towards Legolas, the dwarfy guy (what's-his-face), and I! It was then time to pull of some Jackie Chan action. I also received a brown belt in Aikido and Taekwondo, but that really doesn't matter. 

Gimli and Legolas were still petrified of the whole zombie idea, though Legolas seemed less shaken. I'm so proud of my little honey-muffin. "Here's the plan," I announced, "We're going to first: find a decent weapon. I love these daggers, but they just won't cut it against these zombies. Orcs, sure, 'cause they're fast and really hard to kill, plus they come in giant groups. Zombies are both slow _and_ slow-witted, and they come only one or two at a time! You could blast them with a hundred shots before they even hit the ground!" I laughed at the last part with distant and fond memories of killing the hundreds of zombies in the Resident Evil series. Such pleasant memories. 

"In case you failed to noticed, I shot five arrows into one of those creatures and it hardly wavered!" Legolas pointed out, waving his bow around. "Indeed. And those were good shots, too. Straight into the head. Unfortunately, Leggy, arrows just aren't going to cut it against these zombies. They just don't have the. . .velocity of bullets. You should try a gun! Guns are fun!" I reasoned. He scowled slightly, most likely not knowing what a gun _was_, though probably insulted at the offense to his arrows. 

I went on to demonstrate each move I laid on the undead creatures; with a punch in the stomach, a kick in the groin, and an uppercut to the jaw. My demonstration was cut short when my hand burst through a box at the corner of the room. "What the bloody hell? It's like they put bricks in the damned boxes!" I shouted, pulling my hand out painfully. My hand was rather bloody, to say the least. The pain was lifted when a handgun miraculously fell out of the hole I had made in the box. Ignoring the shearing pain and fire that burst up my arm, I ripped open the rest of the box. Pure rapture. 

Two Berettas and chock loads of ammunition spread across the floor. "Dear Lord, I love thee," I whispered, loading both Berettas and stuffing them into my belt. I practiced pulling the weapons in and out off my makeshift holsters and aiming. Aiming at the glorious head of my dear Legolas, he backed away slightly and shifted. "Do you have any idea what these magnificent inventions are, my darling?" I asked in the most dangerous voice I could manage. "I'm assuming those are the 'gu-uns' that you fancy. Am I right?" he said in a somewhat weak voice. Guns have the power to take away life _and_ nobility. "You are such a smart little elf, aren't you? Yes, these are my precious little guns, though they are no match to a Magnum: my true preciousssss," I whispered. I pulled my new beauties away from the beautiful face before me and placed them back in my belt. 

"Let's go," I commanded, making for the door. "But, your hand," Legolas pointed out. I then remembered the splintered gash across my knuckles and the back of my hand. "Gah! That's right. Ooooo. . .the horrific pain. . .must. . .receive. . .green. . .herb. . ." I gasped, clawing the wall. The elf sighed in frustration and grabbed my arm. He pulled out one of his daggers and pressed it against the flesh of the top of my hand. "Whoa! W-what a minute! Amputation is a bit rash, don't you think?" I stammered nervously. He merely scowled and scraped the surface of the skin with the blade. He repeated the action about five times, getting all the splinters out of the way, before smearing the same , gooey, tar-like stuff Aragorn placed on Jen's arm {see ch. 11, _Two Girls and a Fellowship_} and realized how badly it hurt. 

I squeaked in pain and struggled, but he warned against any movement and continued to bandage my hand. I stared at my now numb hand and smiled. "Wow, Leggy, you really _do _care!" I grinned. "Think nothing of it. Your demonstration of knowledge and skill against these new foes is valuable," he informed, turning around to open the door. Gimli intersected, holding out his hands as a roadblock. "Are you sure you wish to go back out there? Do you not remember what was out there a few minutes ago? Those _things _could still be out there!" he barked, scowling ferociously. Legolas froze, seemingly pondering the choices. 

"It is decided then. We shall remain here," he reasoned. "What?! Last time I checked, you weren't the boss of me, Legolas. You're so. . .so. . ._controlling_ in this relationship!" I cried, "It's like you don't even _care_ about me anymore!" I turned my back, placed my face in my hands, and used every acting lesson I took to work: I pretended to cry. It wasn't much of "crying" as it was sobbing. Stopping suddenly, I turned sharply and saw perhaps the cutest expression ever to cross Legolas' face. It was a face of pure bewilderment and, if I may add, some frustration. Gimli's scowl expressed the same emotion. 

"Hahaha! I fooled ya, didn't I? You must have really though I was crying! Hahaha!" I laughed, pointing at the warriors. Gimli's face contorted with what appeared to be anger, while Legolas merely furrowed his brow, frowned, and turned. "Aw, don't feel bad, Leggy. I know my acting skills are just too hard to decipher from the real thing. I fooled myself, once," I comforted. "I still believe it would be best to remain here until someone may rescue us," he said quietly. "Really? Hmph. What about you dwarf? Do you feel the same way?" I asked, turned towards the stout figure. 

"Well, those things are rather difficult to defeat, and this room has plenty of supplies," he responded. "But no food," I added. "We _could _send you to forage for food, considering you know of this place more than any of us, and you seem more than willing to go out there," Legolas reasoned. I mostly ignored my beloved, as hard as it was on my heart, and turned once again back to the dwarf. "And what about J-your. . .uh. . .beloved? Are you not worried that she will be out there, alone and defenseless, while you remain here, waiting for someone to find us? Let me remind you that no one knows where we are." 

A light of realization shown across the face of the dwarf, and he reached for the hilt of his ax. "My beloved needs my protection! She is alone and defenseless!" he roared. Legolas flinched slightly as Gimli reached for the doorknob. "We must stay together! If we separate, our force grows weaker!" he informed. "Please come with us Leggy?" I pleaded, hoping he would cave in, "We need someone of such great skill with the bow and arrow as you," I said with a huge, saccharine smile planted on my face. He paused, unsure. "And everyone knows you can match _anyone _with those deadly blades of yours!" I continued. He didn't move a single muscle, but the look in his eyes showed the brewing of thoughts within his mind. 

"Leave him! Every minute we waste is only the amount of time in which my only love can perish!" the dwarf snarled. I paid no attention to the dwarf and continued to put my negotiation skills to the test. "You said yourself that we shouldn't separate. Come with Gimli and I and we won't be separated! Otherwise, you're the odd man out," I notified. Gimli was already out the door, but quickly shut it after the zombie upstairs groaned loudly. The elf frowned deeper and pushed past me and the dwarf. "Let us go," he said in a violent, yet incredibly sexy, voice. I "hurrahed" and made my way past the elf and dwarf. 

~* * * * * * * * *~ 

Sighing, I flopped down on the couch. Legolas and Gimli still begged to be able to go back down stairs, but every time they ventured off on their own, they continued to run back to me with their tails between their legs. "And you are sure that no creatures can reach us?" Gimli asked nervously. "Well, technically, they can, but I already killed every zombie in our vicinity, which, I may add, is about a fifty-yard radius. I'm just waiting for the zombies to turn into Crimson Heads, then I can slaughter them. . .again!" I informed, kicking the edge of the couch causing dust to lift and blend into the air. 

I decided to rest in the "Fireplace Room," for it was the only one known to have a good couch. Legolas was having a fine time examining the green and red herbs at the corner of the room, though Gimli really had nothing to do but worry. "And this Crimson head you speak of is. . .?" Gimli asked, glancing about. "Oh, they're just the greatest addition to any game remake! They're just like zombies, but redder, faster, and much more deadly!" I explained. 

"Then why would you wish to have them upon us?! Is there no way to stop them?!" he growled. "Erk. . .uh. . .no. Yeah, no way to stop them. Yeah," I lied. "Are you sure of this," the dwarf growled, glancing suspiciously in my direction. "O-of course I'm sure! What would make you think I'm not. . .'sure' that is. I am sure, just to let you know," I stammered. "Then why do you lie?" Legolas asked from the unlit fireplace. My heart jumped into my throat, for I still thought him "examining" the plants in the corner. I'd curse the elf for his stealthy walking, but he's too damn HOT to curse! I jumpstarted my mind to quickly think of a comeback. "I didn't lie. Of course I'm not lying! Don't you dare think I'm lying, 'cause I'm not lying. You're lying for saying that I'm lying, liar. I'm not a liar!" I defended. 

Legolas sighed and echoed the dwarf as to the prevention of the Crimson heads. "No, there is no way. . .that is possible. . .right now. . .so there," I answered. A huge flash of lightning followed by a thunderous boom racked the room. "Let's go get some zombies!" I shouted, leaping up and walking out the door. "And what of these 'Crimson Heads?'" Legolas called out. "Well, it's too late for that now, hon. As a creepy little girl once said: 'There heeeereee,'" I answered, reaching for the doorknob. "Who is here? _What _is here?" Legolas demanded, grabbing my shoulders and spinning me around. 

"The Crimson Heads, silly-head. We've already stayed here for about half an hour, and it took a long time to run about this entire area and wiping out every zombie, so those zombies we killed when we first came here should be ready for more killing," I replied, pushing past the distressed elf. He gaped, unsure of what to say. I merely opened the door and walked out. Turning, I found that neither the elf nor the dwarf had moved. 

"Oh, come on. If you don't go after them, they'll come after you," I lied. . .again. They still refused to move. "Believe me. That's a bad thing. I'll show you what they're like and how to kill them if you follow me. Please?" I begged, beckoning with my hand. Hesitantly, Legolas walked slowly towards me. I grinned and glanced towards dwarf. He looked at the elf for a few seconds and, most likely protecting his pride, walked over as well. "Alrighty, let's go," I commanded, leading the new crew out into the hallway. 

"Well, he's coming along nicely," I said, stepping over the zombie near a door. Its skin was peeling over, revealing scarlet tissue. Yummy. "And you are sure that-" 

"Yes, I'm sure that there's no way to stop it. Believe me," I sighed, exaggerated. These guys won't believe anything. A sharp cry split through the air behind me. I turned, Berettas brandished. Gimli had wielded his ax and was preparing to attack the supposed "dead" (if that's what you could call them) zombie that lay on the ground. Before I could stop him, the ax fell and hit the zombie. Or, at least he was supposed to. The weapon deflected, sliding off and away from the zombie and hitting the floor. We all stood, dumbfounded. "What the hell?" I whispered, poking the zombie with my gun. I stepped back as Gimli prepared to try again. 

The same thing happened, as if some sort of force field prevented the blade from penetrating. I unsheathed my knives and tried to stab the body. The hilt twisted in my grasp as the blade turned away from the zombie and finished its momentum by going through the wooden floor. "This is crazy," I said. "I used my knives before on that other zombie, right?" I wondered. "Legolas, get over-" I would have finished my sentence had Legolas not already been kneeling next to Gimli. He, too, tried his knives, but they had the same effect as my own. He took an arrow out of his quiver and prepared to stab the undead creature. He seemed surprised, for the most part, that the arrow penetrated the rotting flesh of the zombie. I was surprised as well, and by the look on his face, Gimli was as shocked as Legolas and I. 

I gathered my thoughts and searched for a reason. "Well, the arrows probably go through this invisible force-field 'cause it's just like a bow-gun_._ I'm not really sure why the blades of our weapons refuse to harm the-_ah!_" I couldn't finish my sentence, for a hand reached up and tried to grab my throat. It was cut short when Legolas jabbed the arrow in his hand into the zombie's arm. Legolas' hand quivered as he tried to hold down the hand of the newly risen Crimson Head. The creature screeched and thrashed, but the two warriors managed to hold the freak down. 

"Quickly!" Legolas cried, "Use your magic!" 

'Magic?' I questioned. I didn't know any magic, but I quickly whipped out my Berettas and began pumping the zombie with lead. I stopped only when both guns clicked from lack of ammunition. The body lay still. Legolas and Gimli rose from their places, breathless. Legolas wavered, glancing down at his right arm. I grew nauseous at the gruesome sight. Four, dreadfully deep gashes tore their way through the inside of his forearm. Blood oozed from the arm as Legolas clasped his arm in an attempt to stop the blood. 

Legolas stumbled back, his eyes glazed. A huge pool of blood flooded over the floor and dripped down to the floor underneath; mostly from the poor elf. Legolas smashed into railing. He tried to tear his cloak to make some sort of bandage to tie his wound, but his hand shook too badly. He growled something in Elvish at this and tried to tear the cloth with his teeth. I stepped forward slightly, unsure of what to do. I may do more harm than good, for I knew nothing in First-Aid. The dwarf tried to crawl forward, but slipped on the floor from the dirty leg of the zombie. 

A crack sounded through the air. At first, I had no idea what it truly was. I looked around, still dazed from the whole situation. Legolas turned as well. Another crack, louder this time. Legolas shifted, crying out in alarm. Suddenly, the railing that the elf had been leaning on shattered, causing Legolas to fall backwards. He tried to grasp something, but gravity won and I watched, horrified, as Legolas fell backwards to the floor below.

~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~ 

_You like? Yes, I was rather mean to the poor, unsuspecting elf in this chapter. For some unknown reason. I don't know why. Please don't flame! I promise not to kill him! Anyways, whatever. And if you don't know of the "magic" Legolas was talking about, it's the pretty little guns, which seemed too hard to comprehend earlier for the primitive, Iron-Aged minds of the warriors._


	3. Smear!

_Disclaimer: I own a world of nothingness. Yeah. _

_Author's note: Goldilocks = Legolas in case you're that dense. Yeah. I don't really have much to say. So. Er. How's the weather? J/k Ps. I'm sorry, I make poor Legolas look like a help-less fool in this chapter. It is done on purpose. Sort of. Hell, I just need a story line! *runs away from mad critics and fan-girls* _

_Happiness anew:_

**Liz's POV**

Gimli shouted something in Dwarfish at the sight of Legolas falling. Everything was moving in slow-motion, as if we were underwater. My hands and feet seemed to be stuck fast to the bloody floor as if glue covered everything. Something in the back of my mind pressed and screamed, "Help him, you idiot! Move! Do _something_!!" I lunged forward, but it felt as if tar or molasses was dragged me down. I struggled to go faster, to reach Legolas in time, but space-time seemed to be against me and thickened as I neared. I was only three feet away from the slowly falling elf, his face a look of terror and confusion. 

I snapped my arm in front of me and wrapped my fingers around his outstretched left arm. At that moment, everything pounded back into real time and space, and everything flew awkwardly fast in confusion. In the next moment, I had Legolas dragging me down as I tried to pull him back up. One hand was clamped onto the elf's arm, the other around the remaining railing. He groaned and looked up, his eyes pleading for me to do something. 

My knees suddenly slipped on the blood on the floor and I was slapped against the railing. Legolas was too damned heavy to lift up, so I got him as close to the ground as I could. I slipped again, this time, I flew out of the hallway and was stuck hanging onto the railing with Legolas dragging me down. He was only about two feet from the ground, so I called out, "I'm going to let you go!" before releasing my grip and grasping onto another railing peg. The elf crumpled onto the floor and crawled away to the area underneath the stairs. I dropped down about six feet and stood up rather painfully. 

Gimli thundered down the stairs and moved over to the fallen elf. Movement from the hallway to the right of me caught my eye. Snapping my neck around, I saw the zombie I had killed earlier rise from its place on the floor and stand up in one, fluid motion. It raised its claws and shrieked before lunging at me. I reached for my guns at my sides but I grasped nothing. I suddenly remembered dropping my guns before reaching to grab the elf. 

"Get Legolas to the save room!" I shouted while pointing to the room in front of me. The Crimson Head thundered towards me and prepared to slash its claws into my flesh. I ducked, but had a large, rotting, red body crash into me. I had no time to hesitate, for the zombie was already struggling to get up. Scrambling to my feet, I made for the door Gimli had just dragged Legolas into. The rotting creature grabbed my arm and pulled me back. Twisting in the thing's grip, I smashed my elbow as hard and as deep as it would go into the zombie's face. It moaned and let go as it fell to the ground. 

"Let me in, you damned dwarf!!!" I screamed as I pounded on the door. Stupid Gimli had locked me out with a hungry and angry Crimson Head, worthless knives, and _no guns!!_ The Crimson Head rose once again and screamed. I growled and tried again, "Let me IN!!" The door suddenly opened and I tripped over the small figure of the dwarf. I kicked the door shut as the Crimson Head reached it. The zombie pounded into the door, causing the door to shake and waver. "Quickly, before it bashes down the door!" Gimli shouted, stacking some boxes against the door. "It's not going to bash down the door! This is a save room!" I told, pointing to typewriter. One would have thought it would have some sort of Angelic Music to go with it, but it's not like this is a movie. 

"But how would that-" 

"Trust me," I said. He scowled, "The only thing that came out of our trust in you was the near death of the elf!" I glanced back. Legolas sat there, eyes closed, pale, and still bleeding slightly. He was propped up against the other wooden boxes that lined the wall. "Leggy? Legolas, come on, wake up," I said, poking him with my finger. He flinched slightly, showing some sign that he's conscious, if not alive. "You awake, Leggy?" I squeaked, poking harder. "Stop that," he growled through gritted teeth. "Yay! You're still alive! Now all we have to do is get you to that weird bed in the _other_ save room so that you're nice and comfy!" said. 

"And how do suppose we get to that other room with that _creature_ out there?!" Gimli growled, shifting slightly at the thought of the resurrected zombie. "That was my next question," Legolas said weakly. "Hm. . .well, I hadn't though of that yet. It shouldn't be too hard. I mean, it's only a fast and more aggressive form of a zombie. I just have to run really fast and get my guns before it gets me while you distract it," I informed the dwarf, thinking. "Then I just blast it to kingdom-come. Of course, you may be killed in the process, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to take." 

"Me?! Why me?!" 

"Because Legolas isn't really in fighting condition, idiot," I yelled back, scowling. What a selfish dwarf. "I am not going out there and if you force me I will only run back in here," the dwarf reasoned, crossing his arms with a snarl. "You will only have to go out there by yourself, seeing as I am not going to give myself up as bait," he growled. Legolas was watching the little quarrel from the corner of his eye. He squinted and scowled, reaching up with his arm. Grasping a box to the left of him, he got up and walked over. 

"I will go. I am swift and can stay away from the monster while you find your weapons and attack it," he proclaimed, grasping his right arm. "Yeah, but aren't you hurt?" I asked, reaching for his arm. He pulled away. "I will live, though only if we get out of here and find some help." 

I sighed and admitted defeat. "Alright, you stand by the door and wait for my command to run out maniacally," I commanded, ignoring the strange glance from my beloved. He stood there, watching me to give the signal. I ripped off a wooden plank from a near by box filled with nothingness and air. "And what, dare I ask, is that for?" Gimli inquired. To whack the zombie, stooge," I replied, snarling. I knew I had to be nice to the stout creature, for he was hell-bent on marrying Jen, but he was just too annoying. Turning around, I walked to the door past Legolas. 'I'm sorry, beloved," I apologized mentally, 'but this is for your own good!' I turned sharply, whipping the wooden board across in a path with Legolas' head. His eyes widened as he ducked and twisted. "What are you-" he tried to call out, but I cut him off with a blow to the back of his neck. 

"You crazy woman!" Gimli exclaimed angrily, "Why did you _do_ that?!" 

"So he wouldn't get hurt," I reasoned, turning to the door. 

'Okay,' I prepped, 'just run really, really fast and it won't kill you, Liz' I took a deep breath to prepare myself and opened the door. A screech echoed into the room, causing me to close the door quickly. 'Oh, what are you scared off, Liz? It's just an undead creature with no mind and hardly any coordination that's bent on trying to eat you! No biggie!' my mind called. 

I opened the door one more time, rushing through and slamming it behind me. The Crimson Head rounded the bend and lunged. I jumped aside and tripped the bloody freak. I made for the stairs, but a red-clawed hand grabbed my ankle. I tripped and sprawled across the floor with a curse. The Crimson Head tried to take a chunk out of my leg, but I kicked its face and scrambled up. 

I ran up the steps, using the railing as a way to speed my way up the stairs. I reached the top and looked around. There were my pretties, lying near the corner of the railing and the wall, dangerously close to falling over the edge. I reached for them carefully, hoping to grab them without having them fall over the side, but the Crimson Head pounded onto the floor and shrieked. It charged, each footfall making the guns slip more and more over the edge. Finally, they did. 

I cursed loudly and spun, holding a piece of wood poised and ready for action. "Eat splinters, boyfriend-ruiner!" I screamed, swinging. The wood connected with the head of the undead creature, causing it to scream and stumble back onto the floor. I ran past it, purposefully stepping on it while I ran down the stairs. I grabbed my guns quickly reloaded them before turning around sharply. I waited, guns raised and waiting for the trigger to be pulled. Nothing. 

I looked up the stairs and saw the still figure of the zombie. Cautiously, I approached; ready to shoot at any time. It still didn't move. "What the hell?" I whispered, poking the body then jumping back, waiting for it to move. "You're dead already?" I asked it, nudging it with my foot. I examined it closely, and say that I had hit the zombie so hard with the wooden board, that its face actually shifted to the left. Blood dripped from its mouth as it lay there, perfectly still. Yummy. 

I walked around the creature, down the stairs. I stopped near the landing and looked back up. I ran back up the stairs and aimed at the body. "You still hurt poor Legsie!" I growled. After blasting the zombie with about five bullets, I felt satisfied and walked calmly down the steps. I opened the door and saw Gimli scooted all the way in the back of the room with an unconscious Legolas next to him. He looked as if he had just seen the gateway to hell, or something. 

"What's wrong?" I asked, shoving my guns into their rightful place at my belt. He pointing up and started stammering. Five bullet holes were placed in the ceiling, trickles of zombie blood dripping every so often. "Oh, sorry about that. I kinda forgot about the save room that was just under it!" I apologized, scratching the back of my neck. He glanced back down at the unconscious Legolas and got up. 

"What are we going to do about him?" the dwarf asked, nudging the elf with his foot.

"Don't treat him like that!" I ordered defensively, shoving him out of the way.

"You seemed quite happy pounding him over the head earlier," the dwarf grumbled. I kneeled down, though I was a bit edgy, knowing he'd be rather angry when he wakes up.

"Let's get him to the other save room I talked about before," I ordered, standing up. I went to the box I had broken earlier and took out about ten handgun magazines. It was zombie-butt kicking time.

~* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *~ 

"Watch his _hair!!_" I ordered, glancing back to check. Gimli was having a rather hard time carrying Legolas around; for the elf was twice his height and then some. I really didn't mind it when Legolas' legs were dragging on the ground, but when Gimli shifted Legolas' weight to even out the dispersion of the weight, Legolas' head was too close to the ground and his hair began to drag on the ground. I'm no expert, but I'm sure Legolas wouldn't want his prized hair all dirty. 

Gimli grumbled something and shifted Legolas back over to the original position and started to follow once again, though lopsided and hunched over. I walked to the door and kicked it open, gun ready, although I knew there were no zombies in this room. It just looked so cool when Jill and Barry did it in the game. 

I motioned the standard S.W.A.T "okay" signal (I watch too much television) and continued to walk through the room. Searching for anything dangerous, I finally found the lighter. 'I could have used this to get the "Second Floor Map" in the fireplace room earlier!' I mentally cursed myself. I shrugged it off and continued checking everything out. 

"The 'Three Bears Cottage' is all clear for Goldilocks to enter, copy, over," I called, Secret Service Style. Gimli growled another, mostly likely unfriendly, something, and trudged through the room. "Come on, soldier! My grandmother can walk faster than you! And she's _dead!!_" 

"Why don't _you_ take him then?" Gimli mumbled. "Me? But I'm weak, fragile, and tender! You don't expect _me_ to carry around a full-grown elf? No, I didn't think so," I reasoned, kicking open another door. 

About five doors kicked open and one zombie killed, Gimli, the sexy and unconscious elf, and I reached the area above the dining hall. Kicking the now "dead" zombie, I motioned Gimli to hurry up and enter the room. Finally, he joined me at the furthest door on the right side of the hallway. After shooting the lock out, I kicked it open and extended my weapons. A moan followed by a groan (they're very different I assure you) filled the air. "The calls are too close together, Watson. I've come to the conclusion that there are _two_ zombies!" I shouted while shooting down the first. 

Sure, I already knew that there were two zombies in this room, but annoying Gimli was just much more fun; even if he didn't know who "Watson," "Robin (from Batman)," or "Grumpy the tiny Snow White dwarf" were, but it was fun anyway! "You could at least help me-" 

"No time! LOOK!" I exclaimed, pointing to the stairs with one of my guns. "What? What is it?" he asked, looking about nervously. "It's the save room!" I replied, running down the stairs. I checked the hallways for the nonexistent zombies and watched Gimli walked down the stairs, trying not to trip on Legolas' feet. I opened the door for him and glanced about for any enemies that were obviously not going to come. 

Gimli shoved Legolas off his back and onto the bed, and then collapsed in a heap. He gasped for air and finally managed to calm his breathing and lay on is back on the floor. I sighed and turned around, flopping down on the chair near the typewriter. "This is such a terrible, horrible, _dreadful_ tragedy. How could this possibly happen?! Do you have any idea how hard this is on me?" 

"_YOU?!_ My back has broken because of this! Because of _you!!_" Gimli scowled. "Yeah," I answered, "but do you know how many zombies I could be shooting? Or mauling? Or seriously damaging?! If I had only a shotgun, I could have killed that Crimson Head before it hurt Legolas, then none of this would have happened! And I wouldn't be here, wasting away, allowing stupid, incompetent, and undead creatures to wander around without being blasted with bullets!" I grieved. 

Gimli gave me and incredulous look, scowled, opened his mouth as if to say something, but then shut it again. I ignored him as I sat there contemplating. There was something I was missing. . .but _what?!_ "Green herbs!!" I realized, jumping up from the chair near the typewriter. "I'm off!" I exclaimed, slamming the door behind me. 

I ran around the corner, through a door and into a room. "Ah! Hello, my pretties," I called out to the little potted plants. "These will do nicely." I ran into the room and sat down on the bed next to Leggy. "Okay. Hm. . .I don't see any instructions. . ." I said, turning the plants around to look underneath and around. "The game never did show how to use these things," I said, ripping off a few leaves. I ground them up in the palm of my hand with the hilt of my knife. 

"Okay. I'm just going to go out on a limb and put half on the wound itself and if- I mean when_ -_ _when_ he wakes up, I will have him eat the rest," I reasoned. Gimli gave me a queered out look and glanced at the plant in my hands. "Are you sure that it is safe to eat?" he questioned uneasily. 

"I don't know, but if it isn't, elves are still immune to poison, right?" I answered, lifting up the elf's limp arm. Blood still seeped lightly from the wound (he was apparently running out of blood to seep) and the entire arm was sticky with the red fluid. 

"GROSS!" I squeaked, recoiling. Legolas' arm fell to his side once again and stepped back. 'Well, I don't have any bandages, with kinda sucks,' I thought to myself, looking around. I leaned against a display full of medicinal serums, and small bottles. One of the bottles fell to the ground and landed near my feet. 

"Duh!" I shouted, "This is little a hospital room thingy! There has to be some sort of bandages here!" Searching wildly through the shelves and drawers, I finally found some bandages. "These should work nicely," I said, walking over to the still unconscious elf. 

"Uh. . .are you sure that it is safe to-" 

"Yes, Mr. Safety Inspector. They're sterile. See? Right on the package: 'Sterile Roll Gauze'," I informed, shoving the package in his face. 'First Aid, First Aid. . . Damn it I can't remember _anything_ from First Aid class! I only took the darned class because it was mandatory! _Mandatory!!'_

"Try using direct pressure, fool," Gimli called from beside me, throwing an angry and impatient scowl. Glowering, I obeyed and used Legolas' cloak (he won't mind) as a compress. "Wrap the arm, fool," Gimli instructed. He sounded just like the stupid, annoying teacher. Well, the teacher didn't call us "fools." Only "idiots." I mentally cursed my situation and lifted the compress. Three deep gashes tore through the inside of the elf's swollen, inflamed forearm. "It looks as if a vein was torn," the ruff voice informed from beside me.

"Okay, that's it!! Since you know _soooo_ much about this stuff, _you_ do it!" I yelled, shoving the bandages into his hands. He scowled and pushed it away. "I can reach," he muttered grudgingly, his face contorting in embarrassment. 'A soft spot!' I thought, pleased. "Of course you can't reach. I almost forgot about your _'little'_ problem. I mean, I must have the _'shortest'_ attention span or something. I can't believe how _'small'_ my tact must be to forget such an obvious thing! I must-" 

"Enough!! Now look what you've done, wench! The elf's bleeding again!" he growled. I didn't care. I still would call this a 'tiny' victory. Chuckling at my own 'miniature' pun, I pressed at the elf's arm again. 

"Hand me the stuff- yeah, that stuff," I instructed the grumbling Gimli while pointing to the pile of ground herbs. "Let's see. I suppose you're supposed to turn it into a paste or something," I reasoned. I got ready to spit in it before Gimli interjected and held out his water skin. "Well, okay. This works nicely, too." I mixed the water with the green herbs and smeared the greenish paste over the wound. The arm flinched, and I stopped to carefully wait and see if Legolas was going to wake up. 

He didn't move, and his arm went slack once more. I finished the smearing and wrapped his arm. 

"It looks over wrapped," Gimli notified. "You really think so?" I asked, rethinking. Sure, his arm looked like a chibi's arm, but with a ripped vein that Gimli claimed, nothing was too much for my sleeping angel {that'd be Legolas}. 

I moved back to the chair near the typewriter of the room and sat down with a sigh. What I assumed to be twenty minutes went by without even the slightest twitch from Legolas. Gimli was beginning to snore lightly when I finally had enough. "I'm gonna go shoot some zombies. Find me if Legolas wakes up," I said impatiently, slamming the door on the way out. 

~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~

_Smear! I love the word smear! It just sounds so. . .funny! Like something Gollum would say! Gollum's so cute. . .in his own little demented way. _

_Believe me, Flaming Flamingo, you don't want to see Legolas with a gun. I have something in store in the next chapter. Muahahahaha!! Well, he is going to get the bow-gun, but that's not until later. And I'm still a bit undecided about that. _


	4. Beautiful Shotguns

a/n: WOW!! I'm not dead!!! I had this chapter the whole time and I never updated!! I even have up to chapter six!! And just when I was about to add on chapter six did I realize I still had this! This much be at least five months old...Natalia's gonna kill me...

Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. ...just read the one from the last chapter, okay?

* * *

{{Beautiful Shotguns-- Liz's POV}}

* * *

No more zombies. There were just too easy to kill. I killed every zombie in this wing, waited for the Crimson Heads to come up, then killed the Crimson Heads. Sighing in frustration, I began to wonder what else there was to do in here. 

I gave up and walked back to the save from in which I left Gimli with Legolas. Suddenly, a huge bellow echoed throughout the entire house. It took me a few minutes and a few more calls to realize what it was. 

It was Gimli. 

My first was that he tripped and hit his toe or something, but then I remembered where I was: a zombie infested mansion. I ran down the corridor and threw open the door. Bounding down the steps, I heard the bellow at full blast. 

Gimli was standing outside of the room, hollering incoherent nonsense. 

"Why the hell are you yelling, you retarded dwarf?!!" I screamed. He silenced and looked at me. 

"It's about time," he said in a raspy voice. "The elf's awake. Though he is not exactly himself. . ." 

"I told you to find me when he woke up, doof-cake," I scowled. 

"I was, though I then caught sight of this corpse and was too scared to go about, by myself, looking for you," he answered sheepishly, looking down at the corpse under the stairs. I looked as well and sighed. 

"Alright, whatever. I don't care," I scowled before opening the door. I stuck my head in before walking in. Legolas was sitting on the bed, looking at every last detail. He looked at me for a moment. "Sweetie? Are you-" 

"Ah, fair maiden, and dwarf as well! How art thou, milady and dwarf? How does thee fair?" he asked. "Uh. . .fine, I suppose. Are you feeling-" 

"I feel ever better, fair maiden, at the sight of your glorious face. The sight of you brought sunshine to my day," Legolas declared. 

"I don't know. I like the new him," I whispered to Gimli. He snorted and turned. 

"Come, friend dwarf, thou shant be dismal! Be joyful!" 

"How's your arm, Leggy?" I asked, reaching for his bandaged arm. 

"Leggy? Who is that? Is that my name?" he questioned. I froze. 

"Y-yeah. Well, it's actually Legolas. Remember?" I asked hesitantly. 

"Legolas. It sounds familiar, though I cannot place it. Though it matters not. Who are you, fair maiden? You seem recognizable, just as the dwarf, though I cannot remember thee," he explained, standing up. 

"Well? Are we only going to rot here or shall we try to find a way out?" Gimli demanded. 

"Why are so ready to leave? I see no damage," Legolas put in. 

"What?!! Have you gone daft during your sleep?!! Do you not remember the monsters lurking about-" 

"Gimli, shut up. Leggy's even cuter and you suddenly got uglier. There I said it," I said sternly. The dwarf shut up, but scowled in my direction. 

"Then let us waste no more time! We shall defeat this dastardly foe and be victorious!" he shouted. He walked out the door and shut it behind him. Gimli and I stared after him, unsure of what to do. 

The door opened once again and Legolas stepped in. 

"Yes, well, I was wondering was to why I have arrows on my back," he said. 

"You're an archer! You're probably the best in Middle-Earth!" 

"Middle-Earth. Is that where we are?" he questioned, thinking. 

Exasperated, I walked over, "Here's a little synopsis: We are on some twisted version of regular Earth. There are zombies everywhere and they try to kill us. I'm Liz and he's Gimli. You are the prince of Mirkwood; the son of Thranduil, the king. You, Gimli, and I were once part of a 'Fellowship' to go destroy some wicked ring, but we wound up here, some how, and we must now survive, get out of here, find the rest of the Fellowship, if there is any, and get back to Middle-Earth. 

"Either that, or we can stay here, eat zombies for the rest of our lives, and wither away into nothing. Except you; you'll eventually die of starvation, T-Virus infestation, or something like that. Does that about sum it up? Do you have your memory back or something?" 

"No. None of it sounds proverbial." 

"Well, I don't care. As long as you can shoot. Go on, try it," I urged. He struggled out of his quiver and notched an arrow. "Not here!! Outside!" I instructed. We all trudged outside and watched as Legolas aimed. "What are you aiming for?" I asked. 

"The painting on the far wall, lady," he answered, releasing the arrow. It flew and hit the portrait, directly between the eyes of the man in the painting. "I suppose I can shoot an arrow," he said, putting down his quiver, almost amazed with himself. 

"Okay, now that that's over with, let's go kick some zombie ass. And chew some bubble gum. And I'm all outta gum, you mofo zombies," I cackled evilly, walking towards the stairs. 

"Argh. Did I kill every zombie around here or something?!" I whined, dragging my feet. It was obvious that I gone through nearly every room in this house, but I thought that there would have been more undead creatures roaming around. I opened the door and saw a body lying in the center of the room. "Funny. I don't remember this," I said, aiming down at it. We circled around it and to the other door. Once Gimli turned the knob, however, the zombie's eyes burst open. 

It jumped up, turning to face us. It was rather strange, actually. It seemed almost like an orc, though with closer inspection, its skin was rotted and bloody. "Stay back, fair maiden and diminutive dwarf! I shall thwart this foe!" Legolas proclaimed, aiming. After about ten arrows in the head, Legolas realized, "What-ho! This villain can not be vanquished!" 

"Sure it can!" I shouted, aiming at the creature. It stumbled everywhere, having some trouble with all the arrows in its face, but it was almost as fast a Crimson Head. I shot at the head repeatedly, gritting my teeth. "Damn. This thing doesn't want to die," I cursed through gritted teeth, blasting more lead into the skull of the creature. It finally fell to the ground, about sixteen rounds later. 

"You idiot! You made me use up all my ammo!" I screamed, kicking the fallen monster continually. 

"Quickly, before it comes back," Gimli glowered, tugging at my sleeve. "Comes back? It's right here." 

"Just as the other did," he said, tugging harder. "Oh, you mean the Crimson Head thing," I reasoned, following the dwarf after one last kick. 

"Yes, that thing, you impossible wench" he frowned. 

"Come forth, young maiden and dimin- dwarf," Legolas said, his adjective cut off by a nasty glare by the dwarf. 

Something shifted behind me, and I quickly turned and brandished my Berettas. "You want more?!!" 

Another noise, softer. Legolas let loose his arrow in the direction of the noise. 

A -thunk- filled the silence as the arrow hit the wood of the wall. "I could have sworn on my life that-" Another noise cut off the elf. 

"It is behind the wall!" Gimli called out. I checked out the window, into the wilderness of the forest. 

"Nothing," I whispered. "There's nothing there, stupid." Above us, the same noise echoed. The small, scratching, shuffling noise. I shot the ceiling from where the sound was emitted. Whatever created the noise was moving; moving quickly. 

Wherever it moved, I shot, and there was soon a trail of bullet holes on the ceiling. It crawled into the opposite wall, and I continued shooting. 

Suddenly, an amazingly loud and piercing shriek broke through the air. I grimaced, halting my barrage of gunshots. When it stopped I stepped closer. 

"I-I guess I hit it." The wall suddenly shattered apart in a rain of splinters. I tried to shoot the creature that was in the midst of the debris, but only the click of empty magazines came out of the weapon. 

"Damn it!" I shouted, rushing to refill the Berettas. The thing lunged while I still wasn't ready. I placed my arms in front of me and braced for impact, but an arrow pierced it in mid-jump, causing it to fall to the side and shriek like before. 

It rolled around, screeching, until it scrambled to its feet and dashed across the room. I shoot at it with newly loaded guns, but it was too late. 

The thing smashed through the window and disappeared into the night. I stood, breathless from adrenaline and shock, staring out. 

"Well, that certainly wasn't in the game," I said finally. "This is no game, milady. Are you injured?" Legolas inquired. 

"Well, that was mostly a weak glitch or whatever," I mumbled, turning towards the door. I looked around the rumble of plaster, wood, and a few pieces of metal. 

"Did any of you manage to get a good look at that thing?" I asked, walking down a hallway. 

"No, it was too dark," Gimli answered. 

"I saw it," Legolas spoke up. Silence. "And what did it look like?!" Gimli demanded. 

"Oh. Yes, well, the creature seemed similar to the dwarf, although it was smaller, faster, it had no fur, crawled on all fours, and had some kind of slime all over it," he informed. 

"Uh-huh. Well, that's like nothing I've ever heard of before. Maybe its related to Gimli. Gimli, did you forget to tell us that your mother was coming to town?" I asked the fiercely glowering dwarf. He had no time to retaliate, for I shouted, "There's the shotgun room!" 

I ran over to the door and opened it. "Yup, it's the one." 

"Okay, this is where you come in, Leggy. You have to take this gun and shot the lock on the door when I say so, okay? Yeah, you pull that trigger-NO! Don't pull it now! Wait until I say so, then point this end, no, other end, YES! That end. Point that at the lock and pull the trigger, okay? Good," I said, showing Legolas how to work the weapon. "Gimli, you take this gun and, should Legolas fail to do his lock-shooting duties, you shoot the lock, okay? Good boy. You'll get a doggie treat later. 

"I'm off to get the shotgun!" I announced, slamming the door after me. I walked into the other door to my right and looked around. I made my way directly to the shotgun, taking it delicately into my hands. 

"So...beautiful..." I whispered, stroking the barrel of the weapon. Placing the shotgun on my hip, I moved to the display cases on the opposite wall. Nothing seemed to be anything close to value; all dust-covered junk. 

Sighing, I walked back over to the four by four room. The ceiling began to move slowly downwards, taking some plaster along with it. "Okay, Legolas! Shoot the lock now!" I shouted through the door. 

Silence. 

"Leggy?!" Several shots suddenly broke out and I stood away from the door. The shots continued for about a minute and...the lock was still intact. 

"Leggy! I know you're trying to make this more dramatic and everything to make you look like a hero, but you can shot the lock any time now!" 

More shots rang out, though nothing connected with the lock. I cursed mentally and turned around, prepared to go back into the other room. I pulled at the doorknob leading to the other room, but the door refused to budge. 

I looked up quickly and saw that the ceiling had sunken too far and blocked the way to the door. Cursing loudly, I looked desperately for a way out. Shooting the lock was out of the question, for the game was programmed to shun against that action. 

I then remembered the creature that attacked before. It broke right through the wall like it was nothing. If that could do it, maybe I can too; with a little help. I blasted the wall opposite the locked door with two shots. The ceiling sunk lower, causing me to crouch slightly. This had to work. I had no other way out. 

Not very satisfied with the lack of holes to weaken the wall, I had no choice but to go for it. I took a deep breath and ran as fast I could in a ducked position and threw all my weight against the wall. _Please work._

* * *

You like? Did I leave you with too much "suspense?" Meh. Tell me what you think! 


	5. Old Red Ass

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Resident Evil, Lord of the Rings, or anything thing that...uh...doesn't belong to me, which is pretty much everything else.  
  
Author's note: I sort of stayed true to the game "rules," only because there would be no other story. I also wanted to show how easy it would be to do...uh...stuff. Basically, more "interactive."  
_

**Old Red Ass--Liz's POV**  
  
I smashed through the wall, somersaulted, and landed on my back, hearing the ceiling slam down behind me. Sighing, I lay there, covered with splinters and wooden pieces.  
  
"You'd better be worth it," I whispered to the shotgun, petting it gently. Oh the fun I will have.. Painfully, I managed to get up and wipe off the wooden bits. I ran up the hallway, around a turn, and through a doorway, stopping in my tracks.  
  
"M-milady? Milady, are you all right?" Legolas shouted through the wall of marble that pounded down. He managed to open the door, though it would have been to late.  
  
"I wouldn't be 'all right' if I hadn't saved myself! What were you two doing?!" I yelled, angry at the fact that I had to waste two shotgun shells. It was then did I see everything around me.  
  
Bullet holes were everywhere, and every other place besides there. The only things that didn't look like Swiss cheese were the elf and the dwarf, standing in shock, most likely wondering how I got from the room to the hallway without them knowing.  
  
"What the hell happened?" I asked finally, motioning to all the bullet holes.  
  
"We-we could not control your powerful magic," Gimli stumbled, kicking the gun that he dropped on the floor. It went off, causing him to jump and yelp running about in a few circles before realizing he looked like a dying sloth with an over-dose.  
  
He quickly caught himself and tried to look as brave and tall as possible. Not all that possible. Real macho here.  
  
"Yes. We tried to do as you said, though it may have gotten out of hand," Legolas explained, "We could not control the weapons."  
  
"Aww, don't worry, Leggy. I forgive you for allowing me to die. I mean, if I weren't the brilliant person I was, I'd be as flat as a pancake. Crushed like a bug. Squashed to jelly, as Bilbo would put it! All because to you're inexperience.  
  
"Now that I said that, I'll forgive you even more if you ditch the dwarf and come with me. I know some beds in here that aren't as blood-stained. Still stainable," I said as seductively as possible, practically glomping him.  
  
"You must father my children. Just three, then I'll get the tubes tied. Imagine all the sex we want without having kids!!"  
  
Gimli began twitching I believe, but I just gave him a kick and he rolled away somewhere.  
  
"Well, I suppose it would be my duty as a man-"  
  
"Elf."  
  
"I'm a man."  
  
"...Well that doesn't matter!" I cried, tugging at his shirt a bit violently.  
  
A moan came from down the hall. Then a shrill "EEEK!"  
  
Damn you, Gimli. Remind me to kill you when I'm done with Sexy-Leggy- Pants. Or No-Pants. Yeah. No-Pants. Sounds better.  
  
Legolas turned in my hands, stroke a sexyrific battle pose and dashed off to be heroic.  
  
Damn.  
  
Oh yeah! Splatin' zombie guts across walls was never funner. Of course, that isn't a word, so...  
  
I stopped, remembering something, and Legolas and Gimli smacked into me. Gimli, stepping back dazedly, scowled. "If your feet ran as fast as your mouth, we would have been out of here and off to save my beloved, so if you would-"  
  
I mostly ignored the grouchy dwarf, as I had in days long past, were memories have faded, and facts have been shaped into legends, and legends have been shaped into myths. Now what was it that I had remembered? The thought drifted in my mind, just out of reach; on the tip of my tongue. . .  
  
"Gah! I forgot about the Crimson Head Elder Guy! Must...get...masks...and...kick...Crimson Elder ass..."  
  
"Crimson Elder ass, milady? I am afraid I do not understand. You wish to kick an old red ass? What has the poor creature-"  
  
"Never mind that! We must set forth and get masks, for with out those masks, this God-given weapon of destruction I now hold in my hands with never be used to its fullest," I explained, holding the shotgun proudly high above my head. "Come on, we gotta go and get some chemicals for some plants. Follow me," I said, walking down the hall. Legolas followed, followed by Gimli, who obviously didn't wish to be left behind.  
  
"Hmm..."  
  
"'Hm'? I do not like that 'hm'! Are you sure you want to use 'hm'?" Gimli asked fearfully. Dogs had just attacked as soon as I had opened the door to the outside, which I found unusual.  
  
It was then that we realized that the horrible smell that plagued the entire Fellowship as we had previously been traveling and the smell that seemed to have gotten worse when Legolas, Gimli, and I reached the Spencer Manor was actually Gimli when one of the dogs tore off a piece of meat.  
  
I wasn't surprised.  
  
I mean, I've watched Legolas bath with my stealthiness (at I think he didn't see me from the trees, though he did once tell a squirrel that he would kill it if it didn't go away...) and I'm sure Aragorn and Boromir were bathing whenever they went off, as camp was set near some river, and Jen was too nitpicky to not bath.  
  
I don't know about the hobbits, I've always thought they licked themselves like cute little puppies.  
  
But I have never seen Gimli even make a move towards water. It might be some sort of dwarf phobia. Too gross and ugly to swim.  
  
Legolas went completely white when the dogs began munching on that huge hunk of beef and Gimli was flailing like a beached manatee.  
  
After shooting off a few, the dogs dispersed and Legolas and I inched forward, expecting large amounts of carnage. Gimli was just fine, however, if only a bit jittery. Damn, so close. He still had pieces of meat hanging off his armor.  
  
I poked at it with my shotgun for a few minutes before Gimli remembered saving that bit of meat during Elrond's farewell feast way, way back before the entire trip. Apparently, the stupid little weirdo forgot about the chunk of mutton until this time. Gross.  
  
After throwing the old, rotting, maggot-infested food, the dwarf followed Legolas and I as I rounded the corner to retrieve the sack of "Chemical". Hurling it over my shoulder, I turned to walk back. It was then that I wished I had some magical way to fit everything into my shirt or something like Jill in Resident Evil 2. Magical tube-tops are a girl's best friend.  
  
"Milady, if you would allow, I would be willing to carry that burden for you," Legolas asked so chivalrously.  
  
"Uh, sure," I said uncertainly. Undoubtedly odd, but convenient. And superly sexy. Yum.  
  
We backtracked and headed for the Feeler. Now that name just sounds vulgar. Yum, again.  
  
Kicking open the door and immediately blasting the first zombie I saw clear to kingdom-come, I made my way down the hallway to the small hothouse at the end of the house. The other zombie shambled towards Legolas, Gimli, and I as we stood in the doorway.  
  
I knew of the little critter in the first place, but watching Gimli squirm and nearly wet his pants as the zombie fell on top of him before I blew of the head of the undead creature was certainly an experience I will never forget.  
  
'Specially when he ruined my moment with Sexy-Leggy-No-Pants. Er...sadly he still had on pants, but...  
  
And so, after disposing of the second zombie that seemed quite fond of Gimli, I lead the small group down the hall. When the zombie smacked themselves against the windows to the left, Legolas and Gimli nearly had heart attacks. Okay, so Legolas was an exaggeration, but I swear Gimli was clutching his chest for a few moments after the "attack".  
  
I opened the door and strode in, turning sharply to the system of pipes. "Yo, Leggie! Throw the Chemicals!" Now that is one thing I never would have thought I would have said in my life. Asking a fictional, and very sexy, character to toss a bag of Chemical.  
  
The elf merely walked over and held out the bag in lieu of chucking it across the room. "Well, that works, too," I added. Dumping it into the water tank, I clicked the switch to red and watch gleefully as the plant writhed pitifully in its last minutes of life. Not as good as a zombie, and not that one could call it a zombie's last minutes of life, but...  
  
Legolas froze, and something seemed to twist inside his eyes. Of course, when the plant died, he shook his head and turned away. Eh, it must be some sort of Elf-Tree-Hugging connection that I'm not aware of. Whatever. Still superly sexy. Studly. Yum.  
  
After stepping over the thick vines of the dead plant, I reached to the back of the room and snatched the first Death Mask. "Well? What d'ya think? Nah, it clashes with my shirt, no?" I joked with Legolas and Gimli, holding the mask up to my face. They were cringing when I pulled it away from my face. Turning it around, I realized that it did look rather creepy; even more so in reality.  
  
"Yeah, well, let's go before all the zombies rot on themselves." They followed as I shoved the mask into my belt and walked out the door.  
  
"Argh!" I shouted. "Everyone just needs to calm down!" Gimli was shouting and screaming after I had placed the first death mask into place on the stand in the crypt for safe keeping and the first chain snapped, causing the coffin to swing wildly.  
  
The dwarf then grabbed onto Legolas' leg and began pulling wildly, causing the already startled elf to fall when his knee buckled and he and Gimli were sent sprawled on the floor. Gimli apparently thought he was under attack by the floor or something, for he began thrashing as if he were having a seizure. They both paused where they were and looked up.  
  
"Thank you," I said, walking towards the stairs to exit the sepulcher and onto the other Masks. They scrambled up and followed, eyeing the coffin cautiously while hurrying up the stairs.  
  
My boots shifted the mist around the ground as I made my way to the gate. "Allow me to explain: In the game, this gate is 'locked from the other side,' but I am smarter than the game! Behold!" I said as I reached through the bars of the gate.  
  
Bending my wrist, I grabbed the doorknob and turned. The gate swung open. "I am a genius, no time for dummies, 'cause I am a genius, and the reeeest."  
  
Moon-walking through the gate, I stopped and picked up the mask. "That was easy... tooooo easy. No, wait...just easy," I said, joining Legolas and Gimli as they stood outside, still unsure of what I was talking about. "Well, let's go and deposit this check."  
  
After placing the second mask on the wall, and calming down to two simpletons from screaming hysterically, again, I began to think. And think I did. I got a brilliant idea. I didn't have to get all the masks before fighting the Crimson Guy.  
  
And I was practically dying of anticipation of the fight. I could almost taste the adrenaline already pumping through my veins.  
  
"I can't take it any more!!" I shouted shooting several times at the coffin that still swayed from side-to-side. Legolas and Gimli exchanged a rather frighten look as they backed away from me fearfully. "You two, get over here and give me a lift!" I ordered, a great plan in mind. So great it scared me. They inched forward, and then scrambled as fast as possible when I growled a nice, rounded threat.  
  
I basically used Gimli as a stepping-stool onto Legolas' shoulders. He wobbled as I struggled to grip at the chains of the coffin. Finally fed up, I made a jump for it, grabbed a chain, and hoisted myself onto the edge of the coffin that was still attached from the chains of the ceiling. Glancing down, I saw that Legolas had fallen to the floor when I pushed myself off his shoulders. "Uh, are you okay? Need some lovin'??" I asked.  
  
"J-just fine, milady," he said shakily, rising up on his arms. "Eh," I responded, so, so disappointed.  
  
'Now then, how to get these chains off...' I thought. Shooting at the chains didn't seem to work after shooting at them for about five minutes. "Darn it! Why. Won't. You. Break!" I shouted, jumping up and down on the lid whilst still shooting the remaining chains.  
  
Don't ask how I accomplished that. I'unno.  
  
One of the chains snapped, causing me to scream and grasp for anything near me in panic. I grasped the lid around the casket and held on tight as the coffin swung from side to side.  
  
The stone lid suddenly shifted. I cursed rather loudly as the entire thing slid off and I fell to the ground, with the lid landing right on top of me, crushing my organs and severing my body in half.  
  
_THE END.  
  
_Just kidding. Starting over...  
  
The stone lid suddenly shifted. I cursed rather loudly as the entire thing slid off and I fell to the ground with an "Oof" and the lid smashing down behind me. Looking up, the body of the Crimson Head Elder rested in the coffin, eyes closed.  
  
I expected it to wake up or something, but it didn't. It just lay there, sleeping or something. After some time, I grew impatient and growled, stepping forward. Shotgun in hand, and I screamed, "Wakey, Wakey!!" and shot the body several times.  
  
The casket swayed back and forth from the momentum of the shots and the body of the Crimson Head fell from its resting place with a thud.  
  
For several moments it lay there, and I thought the shots must have killed it, sadly. When Gimli reached forward and poked at it with the tip of his ax, however, it twitched, and Gimli was sent screaming to the back of the tomb. The body rose, and the creature stood there, confused, looking about. How stupidly stupid.  
  
Ushering Gimli and Legolas outside to the outside of the tomb, I turned. "You boys better get back to the mansion. Things are about to get ugly...'cause it's fun."  
  
The gates of the tomb suddenly slammed down, locking the two outside, and they seemed rather happy and relieved...after the brief time they thought they were stuck on the inside. Well, mostly the ugly thingy called Gimli. Sexy-Leggy-No-Pants, with pants, seemed to try and calm him down by kicking him.  
  
Turning back at the Crimson Head Elder, I shouted out toward it. It caught sight of me and narrowed its beady little eyes. Roaring, it charged, claws outstretched. I ducked and laughed. "Hahahaha! You suck! Come on, get me!"  
  
I continued to duck and shoot. Apparently, it wasn't used to fighting a foe capable of ducking, and kept falling.  
  
Duh?  
  
Enraged, it turned to me, green mist floating about its head. Charging, it tried again. "For goodness sake, stand still!" it roared. Whoa. Rewind for a second. It. . .talked?!! Cursing in surprise, I froze. It slashed down and caught me on the right shoulder, sending me crashing to the stone floor.  
  
Pain shattered through my shoulder as I struggled to get up and reach for the shotgun that had been flung out of my grasp. "Thank you," it growled, almost grinning. This was getting too creepy.  
  
It lunged, and I tried to think through the fog of shock still lingering from the whole "Talking Crimson Head Elder" bit. My Berettas. I reached to my belt and whipped out a gun into my left arm and shot as many times as I could; basically fifteen shots.  
  
The creature was held back against the barrage of bullets, giving me time to get up. Reloading as quickly as possible, I shot another round. My right arm hurt too much to move at the moment, so I had only fifteen rounds at a time, rather than thirty.  
  
The battle was still going well. I flung the minor weapon aside and reached for the shotgun. Bracing it against my elbow, I aimed as best as I could and fired. And again. And again. And again. And...a whole lota times.  
  
The Crimson Head Elder eventually became the Crimson Pile of Rotting Body Parts. Sure, I used up about eight rounds of shotgun shells, but that was a price to pay for pure satisfaction.  
  
Reaching down, I grabbed the Stone-and-Metal object that fell with the zombie. Now to reach the switch to unlock the gate. Grabbing the Beretta I threw to the ground, I took careful aim and shot at the center of the still hanging casket.  
  
I missed the first time, but hit my target in the next shot and looked behind to see the gate begin to rise. It rose about half-way before short- circuiting and stopping. "Well, whatever works," I sighed and crawled through.  
  
Now to only find the guys.  
  
_(Earlier)  
_  
**Legolas' POV**  
  
The metal door slammed before me, preventing me from my chivalrous deed of rescuing the brave damsel from the horrid creature. The small, dwarfish man pulled me away as I looked to see the maiden taunt at the new foe and use her magical thunder ((i.e. the gun)) against the creature. The dwarfish fellow dragged me up the stairs and into the cool night air. He was rather shaken.  
  
"I say we make for the house. We should be safer there," he suggested.  
  
"But the maiden is fighting down there," I put in. "We should at least wait or assist her."  
  
"We must assist ourselves while we still can! To the house!" the small man roared and made for the large building. Unsure of what to do, I trusted my previous encounters with similar creatures, and remembered that the lady was quite capable to take care of herself, however guilty I felt for leaving her. I followed the man as he avoided the carcasses the maiden slew before and opened the door.  
  
"Do you remember those rooms she told us about? The ones that we safe from enemies? Do you remember where they were?" he asked as we walked in.  
  
"I haven't a clue," I replied. He mumbled something and stepped forward.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"What should we do?"  
  
"I haven't a clue."  
  
"You said that already."  
  
"Alright, then. How about we try to find one of these rooms?"  
  
"Is it safe?"  
  
"I haven't a clue."  
  
Walking around, I figured they must have gone back into the house. I walked about, through every room we've been in, and some we haven't, and still failed to find them. "Hello?!! Leggie!!!! Dwarfy-dude!!!! Where are you?!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.  
  
Listening intently, I suddenly heard a distant returning call and followed.  
  
I burst through a door I was sure the source of the shouting was from. Sure enough, Gimli was sitting there, near to tears, shouting his head off.  
  
"Gimli! Gimli!!! Shut up!!!" I shouted, trying to be heard. He stopped and looked at me, then to the pale figure beside him. It was then that I noticed Legolas, sitting there, pale as a ghost.  
  
"Uh, he's just sleeping right?"  
  
Legolas briefly opened his eyes tiredly at the sound of me, but closed them again.  
  
"Oh, it was horrible! A huge snake came and bit him!"  
  
"Huge snake! Yawny! Where is he? Where'd he bite Legolas?"  
  
Gimli coughed nervously. "In the, um, in the, you know," he said.  
  
"No, I don't know," I replied, honestly confused.  
  
"The unmentionables," he whispered.  
  
"Oh. Oh! Why didn't you say so? I'll just suck out the venom!!" I said cheerfully. Glorious Lord, thank you! Gimli's eyes widened, but I turned towards the pale elf anyways and leaned in. A hand stopped me, sadly.  
  
"Milady, please. At least allow me the dignity to die without having to. . ." he trailed off. Ah, the modest little elf didn't want us to express our love in front of the dwarf. I see, I see, I see.  
  
"No! You shall not die! Not when we have yet to go through the great ritual of making. . .er. . . children!" I shouted, censoring it for Gimli's virgin ears. He was still shocked.  
  
"But he is dying! The snake was gigantic and-"  
  
"Have no fear! There is an antidote! I must hurry and get it as quickly as I can, so, I'm off!!" I shouted, on my way out the door.  
  
_{2 Minutes Later}_  
  
"Dammit, Gimli, I forgot what I was-"  
  
"You were getting the cure, you ill-fated wench!!" he bellowed, spittle flying.  
  
"Ah, yes. Now I must hurry! I'm off!"

* * *

_ACTUAL End of Chapter._

Review...the little buttons commands you...


	6. Commanding and Delicious

_a.n.: Kinda short. Guess I'll make the next chapter longer or something. Disclaimer: I don't own LotR, nor am I making money off this. How would I be? I SHOULD be, but..._

**Chapter Seven: Commanding and Delicious

* * *

**  
-- I sat next to the fallen elf, who's breathing ceased before I arrived. Gimli was busy running around in circles, screaming in dwarfish, ripping out chunks of his beard. Like a Crimson Head is that big a deal. Okay, so it was two who tried to gang rape Gimli, but that's no different.  
  
"But...I was only two seconds late..." I pouted, tears welling up. I quickly turned and punched the wall, knuckles feeling my frustration. "Now I'll never get to shag him!!"  
  
Gimli promptly jumped out the window with a shatter of glass as a zombie began pounding on the door, too stupid to try the doorknob and too pathetic to bash down the door. The dwarf bellowed as the zombie dogs continued to thrash him around, although I ignored him.  
  
Suddenly, and idea flared in my brain.  
  
"I'll give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!!" I cried happily, puckering up and leaning in.  
  
A hand stopped my, again, sadly. "N-no... Not... Dead... Yet..."  
  
"Yay! I get to shag him without necrophilia!!" I then began my victory dance before a little voice stopped my from within my head.  
  
"Try the serum, stupid!"  
  
"Conscious? Is that you?"  
  
"No, Conscious was the one who wanted you to kiss him."  
  
"Mouth-to-mouth," I quickly corrected. Legolas, who was on the verge of life and death, tried his best to inch away from me. Apparently, I was talking aloud, to my conscious. Silly me. Oh, well, how else does he expect my conscious to hear me?  
  
"Whatever floats your boat. I'm Common Sense. I've just been on holi-" A small –WHACK- came from within my head and anonymous voice popped up.  
  
"Kiss. . .er. . .give him mouth-to-mouth again!! Hurry! While he's too weak to fight back!!"  
  
Legolas' eyes rolled back.  
  
"Hm. . .maybe after I give him the serum," I reasoned, inserting the syringe in his arm. He was unconscious, and, while I wasn't a doctor, I saw his chest rise with each breath.  
  
His sexy, well-built, elf-chest.  
  
Briefly collaborating another victory dance, I poked him once, unsure of what to do with him now that he was on his path to sexy-elf wellness again.  
  
The door suddenly flew open, Gimli running in with the previous zombie falling on top of him in an uncoordinated welter. He thrashed about the floor apparently in some sort of seizure, until I shot off the nasty carrion bugger into little bits of brain and flesh. The zombie, I mean.  
  
"You ruined our moment!" I cried miserably, pointing to the pale, unconscious Legolas, all guilt on the dwarf.  
  
I should sum things up now: Was too lazy to drag Legolas all the way over to the serum room. Plus, Gimli was too annoying. Wouldn't shut up. I think he was growing paranoid, jumping up, screaming, and running around in circles at every noise.  
  
Oh, but I was so glad when he ran into the wall. The dwarf shut up even long after Leggy came-to, in his own sexy way. Legolas' sexy way, not Gimli. That's just...sick. It's like...shagging a dog...  
  
Alright, then, just so we're clear.  
  
"...Ah...damn...this..." Legolas hung his head in his hands. Mental gasp. Leggy cursed!! How...rugged!! But not in an Aragorn way. In a more...hygienic way. But still smashingly sexy!!  
  
Hmmm...going off topic...  
  
"He-" Didn't really get to finish my greeting. Leggy glares are scary.  
  
"Where are we?"  
  
"Huh? Oh," I shrug, mostly in nervousness beneath the rather harsh glare. It's a love-hate glare, of course, because my Leggy and I are destined to shag like cats in heat! "Somewhere..."  
  
"Where's Gimli?"  
  
"Wow! You remembered his name!"  
  
"Of course-" He paused, almost measuring everything. Sharp elven eyes surveyed everything, and he stiffened briefly before touching a hand to his arm, which had healed over already with the wonders of elf-magic-stuff, though I suppose he was a bit confused, considering he had had amnesia for the past...uh...nope, wasn't keeping track. But it was still a while, and I guess it would be hard to get mental footing or some-fin' like that.  
  
"Tell me what happened." So commanding. So delicious.  
  
Anyways, "Nothing."  
  
"No, something happened, and you're going to tell me what." He fixed me with a hard, steely gaze that might make the mightiest of warriors shrink back. But I'm not a mighty warrior. So instead I simply lost myself in those dreamy blue eyes of his. God, he's gorgeous.  
  
His gaze turned a bit derisive, then uncertain as I continued to ogle his eyes. Wow, they were very blue...  
  
I think about ten minutes went by like this and Legolas finally sighed and stood and our love-gaze was broken. Aww.  
  
Standing as well, I glanced over to where Legolas seemed to be retreating to: the broken window Gimli had jumped out of.  
  
He stuck his head out and shouted over to the dwarf who had taken shelter to a tree; how he knew Gimli was there, I wouldn't know, because I don't read minds. Maybe his ear picked up his little dwarf curses or something.  
  
"I don't suppose you need any help, there, Gimli?" he asked, with his EXTREMELY sexy voice. I mentioned the sexiness of his voice, though, didn't I? Ah, well.  
  
The dwarf grumbled something before giving Legolas some sort of gesture with his thumbs, which must have been some sort of Middle-Earth middle- finger or something, as Legolas simply gave an almost uncharacteristic smirk and waved Gimli off, "Fine, then, I suppose the almighty dwarf can prove his worth, then?"  
  
Then, any sort of self-restraint I had snapped. And I tackled Legolas down. Almost. He sort of moved to the left and I fell to the ground. Whatever possessed my suddenly hormonal action quickly left me, partially, and I sighed, knowing I'd get him sooner or later and then he shall be my man- bitch!  
  
Oh, gee, I was talking aloud again. And he was backing towards the door. Damn.

* * *

_Short, I know, I'll conjure something soon, summer vacation recently commenced. Wow. Summer. Vacation. So much free time..._


End file.
